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Submitted on
December 27, 2011
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665
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Someday,
We'll get away,
You and I.

Leave this world behind,
Find a peace of mind.
No more sorrow,
A new tomorrow.

Peel our skins,
Cleanse our sins,
Lose our scars,
Eyes filled with stars.

Torn from your ghosts,
No longer their host.
Enough of the haunting,
So sick of their taunting.

The hurt will end.
I'll help you to mend.
No more tears shed,
I'll hold your head.

You and I,
We'll get away,
Someday.

I promise…
Kind of iffy... I can't even remember the last time I've written, nor can I remember the last time I've attempted to rhyme.

Either way, I needed to get this out...

Feedback greatly appreciated!
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:iconpoisoned-poet:
First, the only spelling error is *peel.

Anyways, great flow, clear message, and very pure emotion throughout. I especially like lines 8-11, although line 11 is kinda out there along with line 12. However, I understand what you were getting for, and I really enjoyed it all throughout. It really reflects on how devoted humans can be to one another, despite their follies, and especially when they truly love each other. Your metaphors enhance this tale to its perfection, and this even sounds like it could become a good song if you put music to it. Keep up the good work! I am truly happy to have read such a great piece of poetry!

-Maekir Vilemist
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
8 out of 8 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconcjwilde:
I enjoyed this poem; in all of its simplicity and the lovely message you put across here, you have done this well. The feelings of wanting to help a loved one in a painful situation are clear and I felt the emotions you intended (in particular, with Cleanse our sins / Lose our scars and We'll get away, / Someday). Strangely enough the rhyme scheme you have used did in fact sounds more lyrical than like free verse; I imagined it as a song, or perhaps a sonnet. :)

The rhythm wasn't perfect as a poem, however, and is perhaps something you need to work on. I would recommend working with syllable counts on lines, as in places such as the last two lines on the second and third stanza, and the last line on the fifth, the pace was off a little due to changing lengths of lines and I tripped. Obviously this has an impact on the flow of the piece as a whole. I also found a couple of parts a little cliché and feel you could have given the reader credit of intelligence by experimenting with metaphors rather than being very straightforward. For example, writing about the 'haunting' of 'ghosts' to describe one's past being an issue.

Other than this, your poem has a lot of potential and you are a very good writer. I hope I have been of some help; I know I can be quite the grammar nazi, however, so please disregard my thoughts if you don't agree. Keep up the good work and I look forward to hearing your thoughts. :aww:
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4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconmaxiflette:
Maxiflette Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Simple and efficient, not very original, but pleasant to read nevertheless ^^
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:iconvivisanop:
vivisanop Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2012  Student Writer
This poem is much better than you make it out to be. It's hard to rhyme without soundy cheesy, though you pulled that off right here. Well done.
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:iconsigned-silence:
signed-silence Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much. I'm really glad to hear that. (:
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:iconvivisanop:
vivisanop Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2012  Student Writer
No problem!
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:iconakileaf:
Akileaf Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Simple and pretty
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:iconxxxre-mix-gxxx:
XxXRE-MIX-GXxX Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Student Digital Artist
SWEET SIMPLE WITH EMOTIONAL NESS LIKE IT
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:iconsigned-silence:
signed-silence Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Hahah, thanks. :D
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:iconxxxre-mix-gxxx:
XxXRE-MIX-GXxX Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Student Digital Artist
no prb and awesome icon
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:iconpiratehunter4ev:
PirateHunter4ev Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2011  Student General Artist
This was so gorgeous!!
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:iconsigned-silence:
signed-silence Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you! :glomp:
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